Our Annus Horribilis: Of Bereavement, Unmooring, + The Quilts We Leave Behind

Many of you have reached out to me privately out of concern that my family might have been impacted by Hurricane Milton.  Thank you so much for thinking of me.  We did lose power for 18 hours after the storm but nothing was damaged and no one was harmed.  The reason I haven't been writing blog posts is that we lost Bernie's dad suddenly to cancer on October 1st, less than 13 months after his mother passed away last September.  We have been upended by an emotional storm of stress, anxiety and grief before Milton was even on the radar and will be dealing with its aftermath for a long time.  My husband asked me to write his dad's obituary for the Naples Daily News and you can read about his amazing life online here.

Fred's rare and aggressive "locally advanced" squamous colon cancer was only diagnosed this past March, within weeks of our moving to Florida.  He underwent major surgery in May to remove a football-sized tumor along with a large chunk of his colon, his entire gallbladder and a third of his liver.  The surgeon thought he had gotten all the cancer with clear margins.  After months of rehab and recovery, Fred was feeling better and was looking forward to taking a trip with my sister-in-law in mid-September when everything suddenly went downhill.  A new tumor had developed and grown to the size of a golf ball on what remained of his liver, obstructing his bile duct and causing acute liver failure.  Scans done at the hospital revealed more new cancer that had spread all throughout the soft tissue in his abdomen.  Fred spent another two miserable weeks in the hospital in September (during which Bernie had Covid and couldn't even visit his dad) and then after his discharge we endured agonizing follow up appointments with his surgeon and oncologist where the news was bleak: they were very sorry, surgery and chemo and everything else were out of the question now that he was in advanced liver failure, and things were "going to move quickly from here," as one doctor put it.  The oncologist recommended hospice and told us that any out of town relations who wanted to say their goodbyes should not wait until Thanksgiving; they should come now.  And then, just a week after leaving the hospital, he was gone.  

My Father-In-Law Fred with the Halo Quilt I Made for His Wife, February 2024

My husband and his sister are in shock.  They were used to talking to their dad nearly every day, and I think they are feeling unmoored by the loss of both parents (in addition to losing a cousin under tragic circumstances) within the space of a single year.  Only six months ago, Fred was a force to be reckoned with, larger than life, with a booming bass voice recanting family histories, forcefully expounding his political views, and interrogating his grandchildren about their education and career goals.  None of us anticipated that cancer would take him so swiftly despite his fighting with every ounce of willpower and all the resources of modern medicine.  

Fred spent the past five years caring for my mother-in-law Marlies throughout her heartbreaking dementia and other debilitating health issues.  Most of his hobbies and all of his traveling was suspended during that time that he was tethered to the house and always at her side, knowing that his presence was comforting.  He was devastated when she finally passed in September of '23.

My Mother-In-Law Marlies with My Halo Quilt in August, 2023

So that Halo quilt that I made for Marlies in August of 2023, my most recent personal quilt finish, has already been left behind and inherited by another family member twice: First Fred inherited it from Marlies, and now the quilt has come back home to me, inherited by my husband.  I loved that quilt when I finished it, but now that it's back in my house I have mixed feelings about it.  I washed it and it looks brand new even though it was used daily -- neither of them owned the quilt long enough for there to be any visible wear whatsoever.  This quilt was NOT SUPPOSED TO COME BACK TO ME YET.

I wish I'd chosen a simpler quilt pattern for this quilt so I could have finished it and gifted it to Marlies sooner instead of wasting months laboring on all of that tedious curved piecing.  I wish Fred had consented to letting me make him a memory quilt out of some of his wife's clothing because, as quilters, when life gets really crappy and there's nothing we can do about it, we make a quilt and pour all the love we can muster into every stitch, right?  The name of the Jen Kingwell pattern I used for this quilt is "Halo" and that feels like distasteful foreshadowing now, like the quilt is some kind of cursed angel-maker and everyone who owns it now is going to die.  My rational brain knows that's ridiculous, but that's what my heart feels when I see that Halo quilt folded up neatly in my living room where it doesn't belong, giving me the side-eye.  It makes me think, "Who's Next?"

Fred and Bernie, Fathers Day in Naples, 2024

And yet, I am so grateful that we moved to Florida in February and had at least these seven months with Fred and that we were all here for him at the end when he needed us.  Look how fantastic Fred looked on Father's Day (above) and when we all went out to his favorite German restaurant in August.  We thought he had bought himself at least another couple of years by enduring that surgery.

Bernie and Fred on August 2, 2024

Bernie's sister Angela just sold her company in Philadelphia and retired to Naples a few months before our family moved down here from North Carolina.  Here we all are having dinner together in August at Fred's favorite restaurant, the Black Forest German Restaurant:

Bernie, Me, my Anders, Fred, my Lars, and SIL Angela

Fred loved dogs and used to have German Shepherds when Bernie was a child.  He got along great with our Rottweiler Sam, and even let Sam come swimming in his pool.  When we noticed how much Sam cheered Fred up if he was having a bad day, we started bringing Sam to "Opa's house" for more frequent visits.

July 28, 2024: Pool Party for Samwise with Bernie and Fred

We all went out to an Italian restaurant to celebrate my son Anders' 21st birthday on August 13th.  

Anders' 21st B-Day: Fred, Bernie, Me, Anders, Lars, & SIL Angela

Angela's daughter Amanda has two sweet little ones, and although they were a little too noisy for his taste in person, he loved to Facetime with them.  Fred passed away just four days after I took this photo:

Angela and Fred FaceTiming with His Great-Grandchildren, September 27th

I look at that picture and I still can't believe the date stamp, that it was taken only four days before he passed.  

And now, strolling through his property, the "paradise" that Fred and Marlies planted and cultivated over the past quarter century, even though the gardens are overgrown, the weeds have crept in and the orchid house has been abandoned, beauty remains.  Many of Fred's orchids are either dead or struggling after being neglected during first Marlies's illness and then Fred's, but look at the gorgeous blooms that have survived:

Bernie's parents have been avid gardeners all their lives, and they got such joy and satisfaction from planting seeds, bulbs, or trees, and watching them grow.  When they were both still in good health, their property rivaled the Naples Botanical Gardens.

I have no clever ending planned for this blog post, and no goals to share.  We're just taking it one day at a time, closing accounts and canceling subscriptions and packing up donations, etc.  But every day, I make sure to stop by the orchid house to visit the flowers.  What a beautiful gift to leave behind.

I'm linking up with my favorite linky parties, and I hope to be in better spirits and back to my quilting projects soon.  

MONDAY

Design Wall Monday at Small Quilts and Doll Quilts  

Monday Musings at Songbird Designs  

TUESDAY

To-Do Tuesday at Quilt Schmilt  

WEDNESDAY

Midweek Makers at Quilt Fabrication

Wednesday Wait Loss at The Inquiring Quilter

THURSDAY

Needle and Thread Thursday at My Quilt Infatuation  

FRIDAY

Peacock Party at Wendy’s Quilts and More

Finished or Not Friday at Alycia Quilts

Off the Wall Friday at Nina Marie Sayre

Beauty Pageant at From Bolt to Beauty

 TGIFF Thank Goodness It’s Finished Friday, rotates, schedule found here: TGIF Friday

SUNDAY

Frédérique at Quilting Patchwork Appliqué

Oh Scrap! at Quilting Is More Fun Than Housework