Death Comes to the Satanic Alarm Clock

This alarm clock will never hurt anyone ever again

Have you ever been tormented in your dreams by a shrill, piercing siren that cannot be silenced?  Over the last ten years that I've had this alarm clock, I have had recurring dreams that our home security alarm was going off, believed myself to be standing in front of the keypad, typing in our code to no avail as the assault on my eardrums intensified...  I have also dreamed that I was standing in front of this very alarm clock, pushing the "snooze" and "off" buttons, but that the awful noise continued.  My dream self then yanks the cord out of the wall, pulls the backup battery out of the alarm clock, and still the painfully loud noise will not abate.  This kind of awakening does not put me in a pleasant mood.

This is the most evil alarm clock in existence.  It is too loud, and its dreadful squawk makes me yearn for more soothing sounds such as fingernails on chalkboards, crying babies, and mating cats.  Furthermore, it has way too many buttons to be dealt with by groggy persons who are still half asleep.  You think you have turned it off for good, only to have it start bleating again when you are in the shower, on the toilet, or downstairs making your latte.  In fact, I am almost positive that this alarm clock was possessed by demons.

Since it's a busy time of year, fitting in an alarm clock exorcism was out of the question.  However, enough is enough.  I very gently flung the alarm clock down a flight of stairs (really, my husband should be thanking me for the amount of restraint I exercised instead of complaining about the little ding on his wall that could have been a gaping hole).  Then, because the evil beast was still functional, I took it out into the garage and vented my fury with a hammer.

Fear not, little ones -- this alarm clock will never hurt anyone again!